The Golfer's Feathered Friends

On the wing

On the course

CONDOR - 4 under par This mighty bird gives its name to the rarest of all occurences in golf: a hole in one on a par five.  Only two are recorded.  Shaun Lynch on the 496 yard 17th at Teign Valley in July 1995 and L. Brice on the 480 yard 5th at Hope CC, Arkansas in 1962.  Both holes are dog-legs.

ALBATROSS - 3 under par This almost mythical bird soars over vast distances, navigating with unfailing accuracy. Its namesake on the golf course finds the cup from the tee on a par four or with the second shot on a par five.  Such a waste to call it a 'double eagle', as is the custom in the US.

EAGLE - 2 under par The sharp-eyed eagle hunts down its prey with speed and precision to makes its kill.  Fortunately the bird is more successful than any golfer.  Phil Mickelson led the USPGA Tour Eagle statistics in 2001 with one every 73.8 holes, so less than one 'kill' per tournament.

BIRDIE - 1 under par Whoever coined this term obviously thought that scoring under par was commonplace - they didn't even try 'sparrow', 'pigeon' or 'magpie'.  A shame, but it's too late to change that now.  (Our chosen birdie here is a Kingfisher - the favourite beer of curry-holics.)

PAR It must have been golf-playing bankers used to the 'par value' of currencies and stocks who adopted this term to mean the recognised 'norm'.  In fact it means theoretical perfection - one, two or three shots plus two putts.  Only the French - par excellence - seem to have got it right.

BOGEY - 1 over par 'Colonel' Bogey was an imaginary, excellent opponent, against whom golfers would compete, the 'par' of its time.  Sadly the word is now dreaded by good players, although most of us still think it a fine effort.  Our Bogie, with his Maltese Falcon, was one of Hollywood's leading golfers.

HAWK - 2 over par With many long, patient hours of training, this aggressive and keen-eyed hunter can be taught to obey a human master.  The same is true for a golfer if his ball is to bring him no more than two over par for the hole.  ('Buzzard' may also be used in the US for this score - a very similar concept.)

GROUSE - 3 over par Golfers famously love a good grouse, but there's little point in whingeing about your 3 over pars alone.  If you've had a bad round, tell your friends about it over a glass of fine scotch whisky.  We imagine Jean Van de Velde did, after one of the most famous grouses in modern golf.

TURKEY - 4 over par This heavy, noisy bird was originally a native of the Americas, but today scores of 4 over par for a hole can be found on every continent.  By tradition, the President of the United States pardons a turkey every year at Thanksgiving - can you find it in yourself to be as forgiving?

GOOSE - 5 over par The well-fatted goose is a special favourite at Christmas time, but you can get them all year round.  Golfers however try their hardest to avoid them, on the grounds that they are too indigestible and ruin their day.  Who wants to go back to the clubhouse and admit "I've been goosed!"?

SNIPE - 6 over par This is a wading bird which pokes around for food in wet, marshy ground.  Golfers often look for balls in a similar habitat.  In the second half of the 19th century, bad players who were always looking for their ball were called 'gutta-snipes', hence the modern 'guttersnipe', or contemptible person.

QUAIL - 7 over par This little bird is quite happy to stay in small groups on the ground, usually unseen in the longer grass, choosing to take to the air only when it has been surprised.  When it does fly, it goes hard, fast, low and quite erratically.  Pretty much like a golf ball running up an eleven on a par four, in fact.

PARTRIDGE - 8 over par A bird that likes to nest in hollows lined with grass or leaves, concealed under a bush or a hedge.  When disturbed on open ground, it rises up with startling suddenness into a whirring flight, often coming to rest out of sight.  Its song is a distinctive creaking or grating.  Sounds familiar?

VULTURE - 9 over par The sight of vultures wheeling overhead is bad news for whoever is agonising on the ground.  These birds can smell a meal in the making from miles away.  And when you finally stagger off the green after a nine over par for one hole, that's exactly what you are - dead meat.

DODO - 10 over par Overcome by man, bird by bird the dodo was hunted down, battered with wooden clubs, hacked at and cut up with sharp iron blades, until it was no more.  Just like your sleeve of golf balls and your monthly medal card.  But you're not alone - Tom Weiskopf dodoed the 12th at the 1980 US Masters.

GREAT AUK - 11 over par A relative of penguins and puffins last seen alive in the 1840's, this large sea-bird lived by diving in the sea to catch its food.  Your golf ball, last seen diving into deep rough, trees or water on the way to eleven over par, is also no longer with us, leaving you with a rather fishy smell on your card.

MOA - 12 over par Now extinct, the 300kg moa was an ungainly, flightless bird, unique to New Zealand, but proved too slow and too tasty once the Maoris arrived from Polynesia.  The mighty Brian Barnes, an ungainly, flightless golfer, had a 15 on a par 3 in the 1968 French Open, but he is not extinct, he's now commentating.

ROC - 13 over par In 'The Arabian Nights' this huge mythical bird, with eggs the size of buildings, sank ships by dropping boulders on them, but it also saved Sinbad the sailor from a shipwreck.  So take heart.  Ian Woosnam managed one of these in the 1986 French Open with a 16 on a par 3, and he's still playing.

PHOENIX - 14 over par The phoenix is closely associated with the sun, and a touch of sunstroke may be the cause of your erratic play.  But however burnt out you may feel after running up such a huge score, relax.  You will be reborn from the ashes of your round and live to play another day.

ARCHAEOPTERYX - 15 (or more) over par Like your score, this is the grand-daddy of them all!  In case you think we're going over the top, the great Tommy Armour had a 23 in the Shawnee Open of 1927 a week after winning the US Open, and Philippe Porquier had a 20 in the French Open as recently as 1978.